Tenchi Takes the Red Pill
by TenchiMayo
Summary: Join our timid harem hero as he takes the bitter pill called manhood! Will Tenchi embrace his masculinity or will this pill turn into a painful suppository?
1. Ch1: No Need for Low T

**Summary:** Join our timid harem hero as he takes the bitter pill called manhood! Will Tenchi embrace his masculinity or will this pill turn into a painful suppository?

 **Rated: M - Angst/Romance**

 **Forward** : Tenchi Masaki is a lame teenager. He's spineless, oblivious, and completely overshadowed by his much more interesting love interests. While this worked fine for us as kids watching Toonami, a recent reviewing prompted me to write this addition. This story takes place sometime after the events of Tenchi Universe, just don't hold me to it.

 **Warning** : I'm going to delve into some themes, particularly of masculinity and the male-female dynamic, that not every reader will be comfortable with. My target audience is younger guys, the kind of guys who read Tenchi Muyo fanfiction in 2017.

 **CHAPTER 1: No Need for Low T**

Tenchi's walk back to the Masaki House was quiet, which was usually a rare blessing these days. But not today, not after his talk with his doctor. The last thing he wanted was time to himself, to think about what was wrong with him.

"Worst of it is," Tenchi groaned, "I have to tell Washu she was right."

His prescribed pills came in a white parcel, which he kept hidden away in his pocket. He didn't want to worry the girls. They could do that well enough on their own. Especially Ayeka, who was convinced Tenchi had a terminal illness.

 _"Too many soap operas,"_ Tenchi smiled. He entered the house, but couldn't get his shoes off before the inquisition began.

"Lord Tenchi! Oh heavens, tell me it isn't cancer—I won't allow it!" Ayeka shouted, "No tumors, either!"

Ryoko materialized at Tenchi's side, her finger doing it's regular rounds across his chest. "My Tenchi doesn't get sick, but when he does," she purred, "his nurse will attend him at his bedside."

"Why, I'll sue for malpractice if you get any such idea!"

"Oh yeah, you and what attorney, princess?"

The two were having one of their regular spats. It was up to Tenchi, as usual, to intervene. "Relax, you two! It was just a routine check up. Nothing to worry about."

He scratched the back of his head in embarrassment. It was enough to fool the princess and the space pirate, but not the resident genius who sat cross-legged at the base of the stairs.

With a hand under her chin, Washu's eyes pierced right through the boy. "I'm going to have to reserve Tenchi for a minute, in my laboratory."

"Oh Tenchi you came home just in time! Dinner's ready," Sasami chimed in, much to his relief.

"Boy, I sure am starved! Let's eat." He smiled and walked, or rather, was carried to the dining room by the two girls at his side.

Washu's voice carried well after he left. "After dinner, then."

-after dinner-

Tenchi gasped as he closed shut the laboratory door behind him. Dinner had gone to hell in a handbasket. Since it was summer it was also beach season, and the group had a trip planned in a couple of days.

So when Sasami offered him seconds, he politely refused, saying he didn't want to wind up bloated like a beached whale. Ryoko and Ayeka spat their food out like it was poisoned, and now the Masaki household had a hunger strike on their hands.

"What am I gonna do with those two?" Tenchi sighed.

"I'd worry about myself, if I were you," a demonic voice echoed. Tenchi jumped out of fear, fear of being in another one of Washu's hellish dimensions.

Though when he turned around, it was just Washu. "Heh-heh. My voice changer's a real number, isn't it? But sit down, sit down."

Tenchi noticed that Washu was sitting on the only chair in the room. The only other place to sit looked an awful lot a psychiatrist's couch. "I'm ah, not so sure about this."

"Genius genius! Washu's a genius!" The infamous pair of Washu's puppets popped on Tenchi's shoulders and forced him forward.

"Ah, okay, okay!" Tenchi sighed, "Let's just get this over with."

"That's the spirit!" Washu scooted her chair closer, "So, did the primitive Earth devices affirm my calculations?"

"Uh, yeah I guess," Tenchi admitted, "I was diagnosed with low testosterone, which I guess explains my lack of energy."

"Among other details best left unsaid, I suspect," Washu grinned and pointed to a nearby computer screen. It was a diagram of Tenchi.

"In any case, you have your Juraian heritage to blame. Juraians are highly attuned to what humans call hormones, and I noticed even the tapwater here is infested with estrogen. It's no wonder Sasami has started to—"

"Estrogen in the water? That's crazy talk, Washu."

"Well call me crazy but I know a generation of feminized men when I see one. Lucky for you, I've taken the liberty to prepare a cure!" Washu pulled out a comically large syringe, "Turn over and drop your pants, this might sting a little!"

"Nooooo way!" Tenchi yelled as quickly as his legs ran, "I've got a prescription for pills and you're not injecting me with anything Washuuu!"

"But that's so inefficient!"


	2. Ch2: No Need for Nice Guys

**CHAPTER 2: No Need for Nice Guys**

 _It was snowing, that day in winter so many years ago. Tenchi had never seen his father so serious, and it scared him. His father fell to his knees, looked his son in the eyes and said,_

 _"Your mother is dead, Tenchi."_

"No!" Tenchi yelled, awakening from the nightmare in a cold sweat. It was half past five and an hour earlier than he usually woke up. But he didn't dare risk falling back to sleep. He wanted to be anywhere but here, so he got up and began to get dressed.

"I think I ought to visit her grave," Tenchi decided. It would be nice and quiet up there, he reasoned, "Perfect for getting my reading assignment done."

It wasn't summer school work, but the required reading Washu had forced upon him last night. He didn't look forward to it, but the alternative was a foot-long syringe in his butt. The book was _No More Mr. Nice Guy_ by Robert Glover.

What scared Tenchi the most was that the publishing date was 2003, several years into the future. "I don't even want to know how she got her hands on this."

He sighed and made his way downstairs, where the most diligent member of the family was already working. Sasami had taken to Irish phrases as of late.

"Why, top of the morning to you Tenchi! I didn't expect to see you up so early." Her voice echoed throughout the downstairs.

"Me neither. I had a bad dream—nothing too scary, really," Tenchi added to ease the young girl's concern, "I think I'll give my legs a stretch and go out for a walk. So I won't be needing breakfast."

Sasami scolded him while waving her spatula, "Well I won't stop you, but don't stay out too long. We're supposed to get some rain showers this afternoon."

Tenchi bowed, "Yes ma'm!"

-at shrine-

"...coming together I petition, and with reverent awe, this I respectfully declare." Tenchi finished his usual Shinto prayer in front of his mother's grave. It was after the formalities that he liked to speak to her more candidly.

Usually he just told her what had happened since his last visit. But this time, he bowed deeply and apologized. "I'm sorry, mother!"

"I had a dream about you. And…it made me realize," his eyes stung with tears, "the only clear memory I have of you, is when father told me you died! Please forgive me!"

Thunder broke in overhead, and with it, the afternoon rains came early.

* * *

"In an attempt to cope with their childhood abandonment experiences, all Nice Guys developed the same paradigm: "If I am good, then I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life." Unfortunately, this paradigm not only produces the opposite of what is desired, it guarantees nothing but feelings of perpetual powerlessness."***

* * *

"Perpetual powerlessness," Tenchi sighed and turned a page in Washu's book, "I know all about that. Especially compared to such amazing girls…"

Tenchi held up his hand, wet from the rain, "That sword I held, with my Juraian power, even that didn't feel like it was mine. It felt like the blade was their hopes and dreams all forged into one. And all I did was swing it."

"Don't you need something, Tenchi?" An aged monk interrupted his grandson, who was starting to get soaked.

"Oh, grandfather! No I'm fine, I don't need anything, haha," Tenchi laughed awkwardly. He hoped he wouldn't have to explain what he was reading.

Katsuhito lunged forward at Tenchi, and the boy tripped from the surprise attack. _"Hardly the time for training!"_ But when Tenchi recovered, that sword became an umbrella.

He hesitated to grab it. "But you only have one. I don't want it if you'll get wet instead. So—ow!"

Katsuhito smacked his grandson in the head with it.

* * *

"For Nice Guys, trying to become needless and wantless was a primary way of trying to cope with their childhood abandonment experiences. Since it was when they had the most needs that they felt the most abandoned, they believed it was their needs that drove people away.

These helpless little boys concluded that if they could eliminate or hide all of their needs, then no one would abandon them. They also convinced themselves that if they didn't have needs, it wouldn't hurt so bad when the needs weren't met. Not only did they learn early not to expect to get their needs met, but also that their very survival seemed to depend on appearing not to have needs."***

* * *

"Ever since you were a boy, you've always placed the needs of others ahead of your own," Katsuhito spoke, but not with the warmth of praise.

"Is that wrong, grandfather?" Tenchi nursed his sore cheek, "I thought that was good, maybe even noble."

"You thought wrong. A man who does not conduct himself as the protagonist in his life's story...is destined to be a footnote in someone else's. You have turned a page into a new chapter, Tenchi, when you destroyed Kagato."

"The galaxy," Katsuhito continued, "will not give you what you need for a fulfilling life. That, you must go out and take on your own."

"Yes but, 'take'? Taking sounds wrong, and what if others get hurt? How can I be happy if someone else suffers?"

Katsuhito took off his glasses to clean off the raindrops. He knew exactly what his grandson was asking, even if the boy wouldn't admit it. "The girls will understand. They do not want you to appease them, Tenchi, they want to see your true self."

"Right now you are half a man, and half you will remain so long as you hide your needs and mask your desires. They, and your father and I, want the full Tenchi to step out from his shadow."

Tenchi was stunned. Katsuhito gave him and his own daughter a bow, and walked back to the shrine.

When Tenchi was alone with his mother, his voice masked by the downpour, he spoke. "I'm standing in your shadow, aren't I, mom?"

He squeezed his fist, his knuckles white, "Not anymore."

* * *

"As Nice Guys try to avoid the dark side of their masculinity, they also repress many other aspects of this male energy force. As a result, they often lose their sexual assertiveness, competitiveness, creativity, ego, thirst for experience, boisterousness, exhibitionism, and power."***

***Robert A. Glover, _No More Mr. Nice Guy_ (Running Press, 2003)


	3. Ch3: No Need for Physical Inadequacy

**CHAPTER 3: No Need for Physical Inadequacy**

Tenchi didn't know a thing about male energy forces, so he focused on the forces he could understand. And for that he needed Ayeka.

"Lord Tenchi, please come when you are ready."

"Ahhh! Is it up?"

"Yes, and it's got quite a length to it! Larger than any I've seen, as expected!"

Ryoko gulped from behind the bushes. She knew something was funny when she spotted Tenchi and the princess sneak off after lunch. But _this_ was no joke.

"With your hands, yes Lord Tenchi, faster!"

"I can't...hold on much...longer!"

Ryoko's eyes went red. She was so focused on what she was hearing she didn't notice her shrubby companion.

"Don't tell me I miscalculated! He's weeks ahead of my projections!" Washu yelled out with her usual excitement, enough to scare anyone including Ryoko.

The space pirate jumped from her hiding spot, her eyeliner running down her cheeks. She couldn't keep her eyes open, for fear seeing her dearest Tenchi making passionate love to her most hated enemy.

Ryoko's voice strained from heartbreak, "Tenchi, why?! Why her and not me? I could have given you anything you wa—" she stopped as soon as she opened her eyes. Her greatest nightmare hadn't come true. Both Tenchi and Ayeka had their clothes on, in the midst of a duel and not a lovemaking session.

"Ryoko?" Tenchi asked, "What are you—ahh!"

"Lord Tenchi watch out!"

One of Ayeka's floating logs collided against Tenchi's skull. The boy flew several feet into the air, before rolling into an unceremonious clump. His Jurai sword was snuffed out like a candle. Training was a failure.

-sometime later-

Ryoko was beside herself with joy, for two reasons. Firstly, Ayeka hadn't managed to steal her Tenchi away. And secondly, Tenchi was now being nursed back to health on her lap, while the princess could do nothing but sulk.

Victory was hers, she grinned. "I won't let that mean old maid hurt you ever again," she spoke in a baby voice. She stroked Tenchi's cheek, and continued to do so well after Sasami called them for dinner.

The doorbell rang and awoke Tenchi, who quickly escaped the tempting warmth of Ryoko's thighs. She wasn't pleased by the interruption: the two part-time space cops, Kiyone and Mihoshi, would be joining them tonight.

"Boy, is that potatoes and beef I smell?" Mihoshi giggled, "Sure puts our 'cup noodle' casserole to shame, doesn't it Kiyone?"

"Shut up Mihoshi," the green-haired officer gasped, "Tenchi! You look pale—did something happen?"

"Ah, it's noth—"

"He was gravely wounded by Ayeka," Ryoko interrupted, "she assaulted him when he had his guard down, no honor among royalty I tells ya'." She was laying it on thick, as usual, but this time it seemed Ayeka wasn't going to throw it back at her.

Ayeka clutched her knees and started to shake. "It's true," she cried, "I am unworthy to sit at your table Lord Tenchi!" She got up and ran off.

Sasami watched her go, "I suppose I'll reheat something for her later."

"So er," Kiyone shifted to a more comfortable subject, "everyone ready for our beach trip tomorrow?"

The whole group nodded. They deserved a nice and relaxing vacation after all they'd been through.

"Oh, yeah!" Mihoshi smiled, "You guys still have our swimsuits from the competition, right? Kiyone and I are too cheap to buy new ones, especially since the pawn shop owner stopped taking our credit—"

"M-Mihoshi! Why do you always add unnecessary details?!" Kiyone took out her anger with a mouthful of beef, "But she's right. We were hoping you still had them."

"Of course, I'll get them after I clean up dinner," Sasami added, "you had the blue one and Mihoshi had the red."

"Sure it'll still fit, Kiyone?" Ryoko smirked.

"Why wouldn't it?" Kiyone shot back, her face twitching.

"Oh, that reminds me, we're going to the gym tonight!" Mihoshi brought her fist and palm together, "Membership is free so long as we clean all the sweat and smelly socks from the gym rats!"

Kiyone's face went red. The space pirate's grin only grew, until Tenchi spoke up.

"Do you two mind if I join you? I've never been to a gym before."

"The more the merrier!" Mihoshi agreed. Ryoko held back a curse, though the idea of a studded-up Tenchi wasn't exactly a bad one. Being held in his big and vascular arms...

"Have fun, Tenchi," was all Washu had to say during the course of dinner. Her gaze was focused on the boy. _"Could Kiyone be the one to bring out the man in him?"_

-later, at the gym-

"Proper squat technique can be tricky," Kiyone explained, "the key is keeping your back straight and shoulders up while you push your glutes backwards."

Tenchi gulped and nodded. Seeing the galaxy police officer's butt in gym shorts was more than he was prepared for. Kiyone noticed his stare and was starting to get embarrassed.

Mihoshi arrived with clean towels, "That's strange, Kiyone. I thought you said those pants were a size too small for you."

"Erh!"

While Tenchi was disappointed by the lack of weight he could handle, he proceeded to do sets of bench press, squats and dumbbell curls. Both him and Kiyone were pretty wiped after an hour, though Mihoshi seemed energetic as always.

"Hey, the karaoke parlor should still be open! We could sing as a trio, how 'bout it?"

"I'm sure we've kept Tenchi long enough," Kiyone smiled, "Ryoko and Ayeka probably have fumes coming out their ears."

Tenchi thought about it. Normally he'd agree with her—it'd be less of a hassle to go home now. But he hadn't been alone with these two for so long, and it was a nice change from life at home.

"Why don't we go?" Tenchi asked. "It sounds like fun. I'll worry about those two later."

-at karaoke parlor-

Tenchi never realized it before, but Mihoshi could sing. And she could do more than just carry a tune. He watched her snap her fingers and swing on stage, performing a rendition of _Sweet Soul Revue_ like she wrote it herself.

Kiyone sat beside him on the tiny couch, their legs touching. Tenchi looked on stage intently, enjoying the song.

"Kesa hajimete

kagami wo mite

ki ga tsuita no

anata ni koi shiteru no

anata ni koi shiteru no

wha-ooh-wah!"

"She's good, isn't she?" Kiyone asked, but not with the confidence she usually had. Instead, she could hardly keep her voice steady. She knew karaoke was a bad idea.

"I'd say! Mihoshi is sure to get a perfect score with that kind of voice!"

Mihoshi noticed the uncomfortable atmosphere between them, and she had just the idea on how to fix it.

"Yo no naka ni wa

happy yah

lucky go oppai ah, er, how'd it go again?"

She pretended to forget the lyrics, even though they were plainly listed on the display in front of her. For Kiyone's sake, she didn't mind playing up her ditzyness. Her final score came out as a 75, even though she had quit halfway through.

Mihoshi fiddled with the machine, finding the perfect song. She yanked her partner and Tenchi on stage and forced mics into their hands. It was time for a love song. _"And since it's in English, they'll be less self-conscious,"_ Mihoshi decided.

" _Endless Love_?" Tenchi grimaced, "English isn't exactly my strong suit, Mihoshi."

"He's right. Maybe it's time we head—"

"Oh, quit whining and sing! Who cares how it sounds, I know you'll love it!"

The piano kicked in and Tenchi didn't have a choice. He realized that he was tensing up, his breaths were short and quick just like his heartbeat. _"I've got to calm down and get out of my own head. Mihoshi's right, let's just have fun!"_

He sang, and while he did, he didn't realize that his gaze slowly drifted off the screen and into Kiyone's baby blue eyes.

"My love,

There's only you in my life

The only thing that's bright."

Kiyone was so flustered she nearly missed her line.

"M-My first love,

You're every breath that I take

You're every step I make."

Mihoshi kept her squeals to herself. Tenchi was no Lionel Richie and Kiyone was certainly no Diana Ross, but that didn't matter. _"Oh Kiyone, I've never seen you so happy."_


End file.
